If you were in the nation's capital last weekend, then you couldn't help but notice all the Leather Daddies, Bears, Cubs, Otters, Pups and sundry other gay creatures roaming the streets. What brought them here was Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL) Weekend, an annual gay leather/fetish event that draws thousands of attendees from around the world. It goes without saying that most of them are involved in some aspect or another of BDSM, a subject that makes most Christians (and most "mainstream" LGBT folks, for that matter) uncomfortable.
As explained by Wikipedia:
BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role play. The compound initialism BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures. Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are characterized by the participants usually taking on complementary, but unequal roles, thus the idea of consent of both the partners becomes essential.
One of the curious things about BDSM is that, even though it is associated with a sub-culture and continues to be derided as deviant, almost all of us enjoy some aspect of domination and submission when it comes to sex. Maybe we don’t want to tie up our sexual partners or be tied up by them. But as one of my good friends from law school – a woman who was a feminist leader on campus – once confided, she rather liked it when her boyfriend “threw her around a bit” in bed. The way she said it made me suspect she saw this as something of a contradiction of her feminist ideals, if not her Catholic faith. But the sly, almost playful smile on her told me this contradiction didn’t bother her enough for her to suppress her sexual preference.
Gay men, of course, have our own various and sundry preferences. And even the majority of us who are not involved in BDSM proper continue to define ourselves in terms of which role we play in bed – top or bottom – and the power dynamic this word choice implies cannot be denied. There’s a reason gay men insult one another with derogatory terms like “nelly bottom” and “bitchy queen,” while there is no corresponding term of abuse for those who take the top or “male” role in gay sex. And that, perhaps, is one salutary effect of events like MAL: If nothing else, they give those who take the bottom or submissive role in sex a chance to celebrate this fact about themselves openly and without shame.
But the more interesting question, I think, is what we are to make of BDSM at all. In his book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis - who privately confessed his own sadistic sexual fantasies (a fact Evangelicals rarely acknowledge) - discusses what he delicatedly calls that “certain attitude which Venus, in her intensity, evokes from most (I believe, not all) pairs of lovers”:
This act can invite the man to an extreme, though short-lived, masterfulness, to the dominance of a conqueror or a captor, and the woman to a correspondingly extreme subjection and surrender. Hence the roughness, even fierceness, of some erotic play; the ‘lover’s pinch which hurts and is desired.'
It's pretty clear to me that what Lewis is describing here is the same impulse behind BDSM. Lewis goes on to argue that this domination-and-submission element of sex can be "harmless and wholesome," but only if both lovers understand that it is only a form of "play." As he puts it:
We must recognize that we have here to do with what I called the ‘Pagan Sacrament’ in sex. In Friendship, as we noticed, each participant stands for precisely himself – the contingent individual he is. But in the act of love we are not merely ourselves. We are also representatives. It is here no impoverishment but an enrichment to be aware that forces older and less personal than we work through us. In us all the masculinity and femininity of the world, all that is assailant and responsive, are momentarily focused. The man does play the Sky-Father and the woman the Earth-Mother; he does play Form, and she Matter. But we must give full value to the word play. Of course neither “plays a part” in the sense of being a hypocrite. But each plays a part or role in – well, in something which is comparable to a mystery-play or ritual (at one extreme) and to a masque or even a charade (at the other).
A woman who accepted as literally her own this extreme self-surrender would be an idolatress offering to a man what belongs only to God. And a man would have to be the coxcomb [i.e., fool] of all coxcombs, and indeed a blasphemer, if he arrogated to himself, as the mere person he is, the sort of sovereignty to which Venus for a moment exalts him. But what cannot be lawfully yielded or claimed can be lawfully enacted. Outside this ritual or drama he and she are two immortal souls, two freeborn adults, two citizens…. But within the rite or drama they become a god and goddess between whom there is no equality – whose relationships are asymmetrical.
What do you think?